Mop-Up Nitro 8.14.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
a-hem...
*cough cough cough*
*deep breath*
Okay... I'm prepared...
I DID NOT SEE NEW BLOOD RISING
It was very easy, too.
NITRO (or: All that shooting and not one dead Canadian)
-opens with the end to "Rapid Fire"... starring Brandon Lee. Funny, Lee died in the "Crow" costume... and so did Sting.
-WCW Symbol. Where it around your neck to Church and the Priest will hold an emergency Exorcism on your Satan owned ass.
-No fireworks... no explosions... unless you count the REAL LIFE EXPLOSION IN THE RING!!! THIS ISN'T ABOUT MANUFACTURED EXCITEMENT!!! THIS IS REAL LIFE DAMMIT!!! HUMAN EMOTIONS PLAYED OUT IN FRONT OF MILLIONS (well, A million..)
-a little too early to start screaming.
-We cut RIGHT to the ring where Vince Russo and Tank Abbott are standing there. Abbott's in his fighting shorts and little else... NOW he looks like a fan of those femmy boy bands.
-Russo is in a sleeveless New York Yankee shirt. Well, he DOES have sleeves.
-Thems his SHOOTIN' shirt, Tex!
-The crowd is chanting "ASSHOLE" Or maybe "ICEHOLE"... them Canadians DO love to fish in the frozen lakes.
-F-You.. I can see you wincing. YOU TRY THIS!! Come on F-Nut... do it yourself. Give it a shot. You can't... because you are a FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-WCW Censors try do desperately hard to edit out the "ASSHOLE" chant. I can picture someone back there screaming at them to do something about this vulgarity.
-Russo realizes he's on TV (that kayfabe breaking bastard) and opens up... "You knowww"
-He says this is "deja-vu" all over again. (Hmm? Someone fall from the rafters?)
-Russo said that he stood, "in this very ring one month ago." (but... WHEN WERE THEY ANYWHERE NEAR CANADA LAST MONTH?????? )
-He said that by standing in this very ring a month ago, he made History. (AhA!! He TIME TRAVELED TO VANCOUVER A MONTH AGO!!!! HE TIME TRAVELED A MONTH IN THE FUTURE!!! THAT IS HISTORIC!!!!!!)
-But.. then... shouldn't Russo be standing there watching himself speak into the mic? Shouldn't there be TWO Russos?
-AND DOES THIS MEAN RUSSO KILLED CHUCK XAVIER??? SHOULDN'T WE BE LIVING IN THE AGE OF APOCALYPSE???
-okay, enough...
-Russo claimed that one month ago, he made "an example out of somebody" and WE all know who it is because "that piece of shit" isn't around anymore.
-Uh huh... hey Web F*cks... yeah, you... the F-ing sorry ass DICKHEAD who was too afraid to take a side on the Hogan "Shork" debate because your little universe would have collapsed and all the fan boys would have lost respect for you if you turned out to be wrong... Russo is bringing up the subject... you REALLY think they would let him do this if the whole incident was REAL and Hogan could sue them? You REALLY think they would allow him to call Hogan a "piece of shit" AGAIN?? Guess what? I was right... I never doub... well, yeah I did, but F-It.. IT WAS A WORK AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE SACK TO SAY IT!!!!!!!!! YOUSUCKYOUSUCKYOUSUCK!!! ALL OF YOU PUSSYS!!!!!
-Don't YOU feel like the F-ing A-hole... gutless cowards.
-Madden, "YEEEaaaahh". This coming from the guy who tells WCW talent that all those shots he takes at them in his column is "a work". Another fat F**k.
-Geeze.. Russo really does have the largest mouth in pro graps... his whole f-ing head splits open like ass cheeks on the can.
-Tonight, Russo is going to make an example "on LIVE TV" on ANOTHER piece of shit named Goldberg. (Gee, a New York born Anti-Semite? What are the odds?)
-Russo, "You don't SCREW with me!" (and if you do... he'll walk RIGHT OUT!)
-Tony, "We didn't know any of this was going to happen." (Let us in on a NEW secret, titwad)
-Russo came here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on live TV. But Brad Siegal wouldn't let him fire Goldberg, because the fans LOVE Goldberg. (well, that and Russo isn't empowered to fire ANYBODY... is he?)
-The fans LOVE Goldberg? Since when?
-I thought he was a HEEL?? We BOO Heels!! Weboojewstoobutthatsanothertopic)
-WAIT A SECOND.... "titwad"? Huh?
-So, Russo says , "SCREW THE FANS AND SCREW GOLDBERG!!" (now THAT'S a shoot... WCW has been screwing fans for years... nice to see someone FINALLY admit it.)
-Hudson, "He doesn't need the practice!" (say what? Did he just admit that this company routinely screws the FANS??? Oh My GOD.. ladies and gentlemen... well, Gentlemen ((very few ladies come sniffing round these parts (((Iloveyoumandy)))... I was wrong the whole time.. this really IS a shoot because there is no way WCW would allow their Announcer to say something like that. THROW THE SCORECARD AWAY people... this is as real as sweaty men in spandex jostling around each other get!!!!))))))... )
-Russo says that since he can't fire GB... he'll just give GB an ass whippin tonight. Which is where Tank Abbott comes in.
-How many times do you think the guy who made "Wrestling with Shadows" had to change his phone number because Russo keeps calling him and BEGGING for a sequel? "I have it all set up!! Just show up with a camera and everything will be ready for filming!!"
-Russo asks Goldberg if he remembers the "Phillips Arena"? Where Tank got his ASS KICKED!!!! YEAH, YOU'RE A REAL TOUGH GUY, YOU PANSY ASS!!!!!!
-Oh... Russo assured us that THAT match was (bleep)... I'm sure the intention was to say that it was a carefully orchestrated ballet that depended on two unique individuals moving as one in order to assure maximum enjoyment from the paying fans who have supported WCW through thick and thin and deserved a blockbuster match as reward for their loyalty (Abbott laid down in 60 seconds)
-anywhoo... this will NOT be like their first match. This will be a FIST FIGHT!!! Stiff is the name and WCW is it's game!!!
-Russo called out GB for Tank... then said, "Let me explain something to you asswipes"... to which Hudson cracked me up by saying, "Listen up, Madden" (BWAHAHAAA FUNNY!!!)
-Screw you... it IS funny. WCW is ALLOWED to make funny remarks sometimes... stupid ass MARKS... GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF MCMAHON'S ASS!!!
-Russo says that Bill Goldberg believes, in his own little mind, that in the real world, he can take ANYBODY... he can kick ANYBODY'S ASS!! He can kick YOUR ass, Tank!! (Russo's voice cracked on the high note. Sort of wrecks the moment.)
-Tony officially throw his sheets away and said, "I.. I.. I cannot call this." Never stopped you before, Douche.
-Bill thinks he's Superman. (I once saw him with eyeglasses on... I was completely fooled)
-Well, Tank is his Kryptonite. OOh, if it's RED Kryptonite, something goofy will happen to Old Goldberg... like his nose will grow ten feet long or he will grow a ZZ Top beard.
-That reference goes back to the days BEFORE the "Crisis on Infinite Earths... circa 1980 something... thank you very much
-If you look behind them as the camera shoots them from against the ramp, you will see a sign that reads "HYATTE IS MY FATHER!!!" BOOYAAAAA!!!! I GOT A SIGN AGAIN!!!! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!! YOU RULE!!!!!
-to date... not ONE "Scaia rocks" sign... EVER. God Bless the Smarks.
-Funny, not a single sign in my own hometown... but I get one in CANADA??? For Chrissakes.
-Gee, I wonder why no other recapper mentioned that sign? If there was sign for ANOTHER site or person, I ALWAYS mention it. Jealous bitches.
-How can anyone be my son when I've yet to have sex?
-Russo called him out... again.
-Somebody want to tell him that all this bleeping does NOT a happy audience make?
-Russo asked if GB's problem was that this is not "scripted"? Oh Puu-leaze.
-a terribly clueless Tony scrambles awkwardly and sends us to an impromptu...
-commercial... someone wrote to me and said that he works for the company that makes or sells those Jeff Jarrett shilled "TracFones". According to him, you have a better shot of reaching someone with two cans and a string than with this thing.
-I bet this match Jarrett is in during this commercial is a shoot too... SCREW TRADITION!!! THIS IS WCW!!!!
-TNT is coming with "Witchblade"... starring Yancy Butler... she's one of those "serious" B-Movie starlets... so we've never seen those titties.
-The Announcers get face time and act like it was unexpected. Madden got his sunglasses on. You DO realize that Madden has shown to ONLY wear his sunglasses when he knows he'll be on camera... he just killed the illusion. Way to go Pudgy.
-You DO realize that Madden's gut sinks so low that his pecker and balls are shoved into his pelvis and he cannot see them when he is standing naked in front of the mirror, right? He needs two hands to physically LIFT his belly up to take a pee. Let's all enjoy that visual for a moment.
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-thank you
-Tony throws his hands in the air and sez, "Umm... the weather was beautiful today."
-Russo steps in, grabs a headset off Hudson's head (Hey, he's bald!!), and screams into the little console at someone named "Keith" (oh... no WAY) to shoot the action because "he's getting his ass kicked". He also swore some more.
-Does ANYONE have any doubts as to why McMahon kept Russo BACKSTAGE now? Vince knew. He knew.
-So, they cut to Tank and Goldberg, who showed up... with his ribs STILL wrapped up. (Shoot, shmoot... I'm working this bitch). Tank whipped GB into the guard rail, Goldberg, even though this is a STIFF MATCH... A SHOOT... still turned around mid-stride and ran into the rail with his BACK.. (you know, you NEVER see the Crips OR the Bloods do that during their gang wars!)
-Goldberg with a pair of thrust kicks. One of them hit nothing but air. (Tank SOLD the bastard!). The other one hit him quite nicely.
-Goldberg threw Tank into the rail.. Tank turned mid-stride too.
-Where's the gunplay? Want to make this real? BREAK OUT THE GATS!!!!
-GB knocked Tank down with a pair of punches that looked like punches that WANTED to look real but also WANTED to be fake just so no one REALLY got hurt.
-Russo flipped GB a pair of double birdies and invited GB to grow a vagina and insert himself into it. God...how much EASIER would life be if we men actually could do that?
-GB chased Russo.. and pushed him by the arm.
-GB flipped the announce table. Madden referenced Jesus. Tony, "I'm getting the Hell out of here!"
-Russo cowered.
-GB went back to Tank and put him in an armbar... He laughed at Russo. Lots of "F-You"s... Russo screamed "THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT"
-commercials
-I'm not going to goof on how everything on the show is a "shoot"... I did that for the last two columns. Instead, I just like to say that it WAS different. Not necessarily GOOD... but DIFFERENT for Nitro.
-It wasn't a shoot at all. It was Russo trying something... ANYTHING to get heat for the company.
-That's his JOB, Yo.
-No, it wasn't any good... it was handled poorly... umm... it was handled TOO poorly, like they WANTED it to be awkward and orchestrated it so it would LOOK awkward... but Dickface Madden had to put on his sunglasses.
-They should have had GB and Tank just start rolling around the ring and WAILING on each other.
-so, I say.. "nice try" and leave it at that.
-Oh, and I'm just wondering... is this one of those "Trump Cards" Russo said he'll keep throwing down one after the other until RAW crumbles under the pressure?
-You just LOOK at Russo and you KNOW that he was NOT expecting it to be so hard beating RAW when he jumped. I KNOW FOR A FACT that he expected to write Nitro to #1 almost as soon as he got there.
-If it's a SHOOT... and if it's on NITRO... then chances are the good folks at GTX paid for it.
-The Announcers get more time. All the "shooters" have left the building, (The "Emzee" must have thrown them out... again... BWAHAHAA)
-Madden is looking at Tony and laughing... he says, "Can you believe the stupid viewers actually BOUGHT this?" Tony mumbles fast, "We're on the air, you fat bastard"... Madden quickly says, "I'm laughing from FEAR!!!"
-Tony DOES have to announce that the BOOK LIVES!!!! And Nitro DOES have some regularly scheduled matches on tap for tonight. He PROMISES us that these matches are SCRIPTED, REHEARSED, and pre-planned right down to the remote details!!!! Relax, Chumly... kids can STILL try these moves at home!!
-Hudson makes a HUGE slip when he says, "We owe it to the fans of Nitro, TWO OF OUR VIEWERS!!!" I SWEAR TO GOD, SATAN, AND THAT ALLAH PUNKASS... he said it.
-He states that they are re-doing the Nash/Steiner match because as far as they can tell, damn near EVERYBODY was prepared to say that they didn't see NBR. (Whoa... Hudson's on a ROLL!!!!)
-So, we didn't know that Goldberg walked out on the match, and it became one on one instead of the promised three way dance (hmm, Russo's first "Visionary" PPV seems a LOT like all the other PPV's they've put on for the last 3 years!)... so, they will put Nash and Steiner in the ring AGAIN... because... because... who the F knows? Ratings, people..
-Booker and Jarrett gets another go round... why don't they just replay the whole PPV?
-Shane Douglas comes out with Torrie Wilson. Hudson says, "Let's get into the groove, Tony!" Tony calls Hudson a fag and announces that they are in Canada, somewhere in the British Columbia province. He makes a bunch of other hometown references... for some reason, the show "Northern Exposure" comes to mind.
-Douglas gets on the mic and says that Bill Kidman MAY have won last night, but this WAR is FAR from over!! (I beg to differ. There is no chance in HELL WCW can EVER take the WWF's momentum away... not when they are moving into the Political arena and being taken seriously... not when they are in the same family as MTV, CBS, and... and... Oh... they're PERSONAL war... oops)
-Shane says that he plans on calling the Canadian fans "morons"... and he made GOOD on his word. The fans, as prepared as they were.. STILL booed. (Morons)
-Shane told Canada not to piss him off. The crowd said, "yes, Sir" and clammed up... heh, little bitches.
-He said when "Torrie isn't satisfied, I'M not satisfied"... oh brother
-Think Torrie's dimples are deep enough so she can actually take two extra guys?
-Shane brought out this "Reno" dick. He's a big boy.
-Shane called out Kidman. Who came out. That wasn't a question, that was just a poorly structured pair of sentences.
-Kidman motioned out to the entrance way...and Big Vito came out. Hudson says that Reno is 'well known in Underground Shoot Fighting Circles in Nevada. (Pfft... yeah RIGHT!! So am *I*!! I beat Reno's ass from Carson City to Vegas one night. Go ahead, try to check... it's not logged ANYWHERE, DUMMY... IT'S UNDERGROUND!!!)
-If Reno's an Underground Shoot fighting Machine, then why didn't HE get to pound on Goldberg?
-Kidman and Vito hit the ring and start swinging.
-Madden says that whatever REAL LIFE HEAT Vito and Reno share must be "gargantuan"... because they really really want a piece of each other. Unfortunately, he said this while KIDMAN FOUGHT RENO AND VITO FOUGHT DOUGLAS!!
-Guys... people... it's these LITTLE things that make ALL THE DIFFERENCE...
-Tony, "can you imagine what's going through the MIND of Billy Kidman???" (umm... circulating blood would be my guess)
-Kidman chases Torrie around... that HYATTE IS MY FATHER sign is clearly shown... no use avoiding it, kids.
-note to self... be sure NEVER to blow off anyone on ICQ again.
-actually, that's a good piece of advice for everyone. Several sources tell me that ICQ is an easy avenue for Hackers to get into your machine... so be nice to the people you talk to on there. You never know who is on the other side.
-Tony says that the most HEATED rivalries in WCW are because of Torrie Wilson... Geeze, does Tony know he just admitted that she's been passed around more than my Mother at a Bar Mitzvah?
-Reno gave Kidman a SHOOT Neckbreaker (which DID look good). Vito saved the pin attempt by dropping a flying elbow, which Reno ducked and it totally nailed Kidman. Tony called that a save.
-Vito pinned Reno after a "Frog Splash"... BUT... being a smelly Italian (redundant) shouldn't we call this a "GREASE SPOT"? Indeed we should... indeed we shall.
-Douglas produced a pair of handcuffs and shackled one cuff around the rope. Madden said, "Take it from me, Tony... you don't rub another man's rhubarb." A: Of course he would make a food reference and B: Like he's EVER rubbed anything that wasn't inflated
-Vito attacked Douglas and handcuffed HIM instead.
-Kidman gave Reno a "Kid Crusher". We know it's called the "Kid Crusher" because all three Announcers tried their best to jam it into our memories... Madden did it twice.
-Jindrak and O'Hare ran in for no reason... oh, right... they are HEELS!! BOOOOO
-Torrie was helping Douglas get out of the cuffs by pulling on them. If that didn't work, she would chew through Douglas's arm. (The girl ain't building Deep Space Shuttles, kids)
-The Perfect Event were out too. Four men with awesome pecs wearing tight jeans. No WONDER wrestling fans hate to admit what they are in public.
-Backstage, Disco and the Filthy Animals are in Ernest Miller's office. Disco plugs the upcoming VH-1 "List" that he's a part of. (VH-1... the MASTERS at using "Just Shy of A List Stars" to host their specials)
-Isn't it... depressing... to see Stone Temple Pilots" on VH-1?
-Konan drops smooth smack on Miller... he wants Miller to "get our relationship straight, you feelin' me dog?" (HIM THEY KEPT?????)
-Konan was wearing a visor UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS!!! (THEY FIRED HAMMER AND KEPT HIM?????)
-DINF had a "personal assistant" for Miller. Out came this.... woman in a red dress. Fine piece of lettuce, she was... I'd like to mulch her.
-Miller was happy with the white babe... he slapped fists (I saw Eminem do that in a video... I'm down)
-DINF anted a little "word to your mother"... Miller told him to "Mother his ass out of there". I laughed.
-Oh F-ME... MILLER IS GROWING ON ME!!
-A miserable, babbling David Flair is walking with his hair all astray and his dress shirt, tie, and pants all caked up with something... He looks like me after my Father took me to see the Village People and got us backstage.
-Major Gunns came out and asked David if "Stacy" (?) was okay? David mumbled something. Oh yeah... I was mumbling something too after Tonto and the Biker taught me how to "felch" someone... oh dear Christ... oh dear... WHY CAN'T YOU DIE, DAD!!! YOU SCUMFU**ING OLD MAN!!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW BAD YOU... YOU...
-commercials
-"MACHO MAN", MY ASS!!!!!!
-Why couldn't he have taken me to go see Queen? A REAL MAN'S band!!!!
-David is walking to the ring. He side steps David Pinzer, the announcer. Heenan would have made a joke. I miss Heenan.
-David got on the mic and said he had no clue what was wrong with his girl (well, she's kind of ugly... she's annoying... she sags... Madden uses her to try and get "Snootchie Bootchies" over... her ass ain't all that... and she's probably dumber than Torrie Wilson. ANY OTHER QUESTIONS??)
-Tony insists that this is NOT in the script. Apparently, this next segment was supposed to be 5 minutes of looking at an empty ring, since there were no wrestlers in there.
-Stacy Keebler is Miss Handcock's REAL name. Does that mean her Parents were Elves that lived in a tree?
-admit it.. dumb as it was.. you are chuckling.
-or at least a good, solid, "heh"
-Major Gunns is watching this in tears. The rest of MIA are busy playing "UNO" I hear Loco Guerrero scream, "DRAW FOUR AND THE NEW COLOR IS RED!!!! HOOWAA"
-Gunns takes off to... I don't know.
-I am going on the assumption that even though a great many of you didn't watch the show, you know what happened. It's Wednesday... why the Heck would I explain something that happened on SUNDAY?
-The Announcers discuss the angle as David shoots away. Gunns comes out. Gunns tearfully apologizes for all of this. (Yeah, well WHO'S GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO US??)
-David gets mad and grabs her by the arm. Gunns gets on her knees (well, if MORE of you broads apologized in this way... we wouldn't HIT you as much!!! Heh... sh'yeah right). David yelled, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?"
-HandCOCK ran out with a mic... (crap)
-She demands that David stop... he ignored her (HAW... must be married already!! HA!)
-She yells, "DAVID... I'M PREGNANT!!!"
-Tony, "WHA-(hah)-AT did she say??" (I heard him laugh.. I DID!!)
-They kiss... David does the "Nature Boy" walk. At this point, Scherer got the inspiration to rhetorically ask, "Does this make Ric Flair the 'Nature Grandfather'" or something equally as dumb. Just wondering, has ANYONE clued in on old Dave and his little recapping Dickheads that half those rhetorical questions they ask aren't really even rhetorical?
-Because it's the obligatory line, let's get it over with... "The problem is, in 9 months, the baby will bear a suspicious resemblance to (Insert Wrestler/Announcer/Official/Promoter/ name here)"
-They smooched. Madden says "Snootchie Bootchies". Can't SOMEONE out there get close enough to him and inject him with an AIDS filled syringe?
-commercials.
-Guess what... I am EQUALLY prepared to say I didn't see the New Blood Rising REPLAY EITHER!!
-It's funny, in that spot, the image that sticks out the most for me is the shot of Daffney with a shawl over her head.. yet she was nowhere to be found on the show. Guys... people... it's these LITTLE things that make ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
-David and Handcock are celebrating their soontobemiscarriedthustotallyshowingthatrussoisfreshoutofideas good fortune.
-Lance Storm came out with his three titles. Madden said he had an announcement about Gene Okerlund... dear God no.
-Mike Awesome was shown to be screwed out of his socks against Storm last night. I'm afraid I HAVE to get on the bandwagon and say it was pretty silly to shove Storm all the way to Mars only to have him need HUGE assistance in order to escape the PPV match.
-BUT... it DID help to get Awesome's push continued... so there.
-Storm had a mic. Madden marked out for him. (come on... what else can I say about him? He's obese, obnoxious, unoriginal, amateurish, and annoying. He ALSO has heat. He's NEVER going away, folks... I'm sorry.)
-Storm asks if he can be serious for a minute, then he smashed a watermelon with a sledgehammer. Then his twin brother ran out with a cease and desist order... then things got ugly.
-Storm says it's good to be home, finally getting to wrestle in front of true wrestling fans.
-Tonight is THEIR night... integrity and PRIDE are on order for the day
-These Americans can wave all the flags they want (hooooodammit why fire Jimmy?), so long as they keep on tapping out to the Maple Leaf. Hudson, going for the obvious, "I think he meant 'tap oot'"
-Storm has them all rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem. In respect, Tony and Hudson wait a FULL 5 SECONDS before talking over it.
-The Cat's music came out... Hudson screams, "STAND UP MADDEN?" Madden, "I'm not gonna stand up for this... for this... jive FUNK stuff!" (Oh.. you KNOW this fat white beerstard was THIS CLOSE (I am holding my thumb and index finger just barely apart) to using the "N-word"... you just KNOW IT!!!! JERK!!!!!
-The Cat comes into the ring and demands Canadian attention twice... then shouted "SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
-He told these "stupid Canadians that this was NOT a Hockey game" (of course it wasn't... the Brother would even BE out there if it was! That rink be COLD!)
-Miller told the crowd to kiss his American BLACK ass!! (MESSAGE!!!!!!)
-He says he's seen a LOT of fat ass Canadian Women (Alanis is the BEST they can come up with...ohandthatpamandersontoowhichknocksmytheoryalltohellawcrap), as well as a bunch of ugly ass Canadian Kids! Then told someone off camera to "sit yo' fat ass down, boy"
-He said if this fan could get his little fat Canadian ass over that rail, he can come get some
-He had something to say to Storm... the little "ugly ass Power Ranger" (HAW!!)
-after insisting THREE TIMES that he didn't come there to fight, but to tell him something... he said that he could whip everyone's ass in this Country... "Hell there's only 25 million."
-Last night, Storm was lucky... using that little "International House of Pancake" rulebook to F-Mike Awesome out of the title.
-Miller called Storm "Power Ranger" twice more. madden asked if he could call him that any MORE times, then called Miller, "Mr. Originality". (*sigh*)
-So, we got us a RE-MATCH tonight (Dear God, they ARE REPLAYING THE PPV).
-Only THIS time... Miller has a REAL Guest Ref... who is a "BAD MAN" (Mero? They finally brought HIM back?)
-Who's the Ref?
-It's Miller!!! (err, those exclamation points are HARDLY necessary)
-Next thing we blow... Awesome runs oot and the fight is ON.
-Miller takes a moment before counting an early Storm pin.
-The audience screams, "U.S. SUCKS, U.S. SUCKS!!" I find myself in a quandary... I WANT to speak up for my Country... but there's that damn HYATTE sign in the building... so I feel obligated to be nice to these fine, INTELLIGENT, APPRECIATIVE, folks... yet... it
is my COUNTRY they are peeing on... oh dammitdammitdammit.
-F-It... CANADA RULES!!!! U.S. SUCKS, U.S. SUCKS!!!!!
-well, we DO. Jesus, we've kept Ted Kennedy in office. We forgave a President for humiliating the Office and us. We let out Gays run Hollywood. We let our Jews run New York. We outlawed Slavery. We ignore our elderly. We spit on our homeless. Our jails are overrun. We... we SUCK!!!!!
Mop-Up Nitro 8.14.00
By Hyatte
-Awesome is picking apart Storm.
-Storm works on Awesome... then there's the obligatory face off with Miller.
-Running Awesome Bomb.
-Then Jacques Rougeau runs out and throws out Miller. Suddenly, Arn Anderson owns the SECOND WORST ATTEMPTED COMBOVER IN WCW HISTORY.
-Awesome spots Rougeau... he tries for another Running Awesome Bomb...
-But out runs Carl Ouilette... (that's the best I can do). Who takes out Awesome. I believe HE'S the guy who made Nash go "unprofessional".
-Rougeau and him do that move thingy... Madden dared Tony to remember the actual name of it. Tony didn't try. I'm surprised he didn't call it a "Sidewalk Slam"
-Storm puts Awesome in a Single Legged Boston Crab... (that's not very Canadian!) Miller is back in and cleans house.
-Then ANOTHER Canadian ran out... a BLACK CANADIAN (WHAT??? Where's they bus HIM from? Detroit?) and he took out Miller
-Rougeau gave Storm the win. Miller's assistant walked him away. Madden denounced his US Citzenship and called Canada his Country. (Maybe it helps if you remember that Mark spends his nights alone)
-commercials
-Paula Pollshock had the Canucks backstage. Storm introduces us to "Team Canada" (Black guy must be the towel boy). He gives Ouillette the Hardcore belt (say, did he ever give Bret his leather jacket back?) and the Brother (finally, a Canadian that the term "Hoser" can REALLY apply) the Cruiserweight title.
-Miller came in with a baseball bat and told the "suckas" that every belt but the Canadian belt will be defended tonight.
-Jeff Jarrett comes out. Tony BEGS someone to tell him what ELSE can possibly happen tonight? Madden has news, then refers to himself as "Pro Wrestling's ONLY REAL Journalist" (A Judge disagreed. Which begs the question... what IMBECILE would actually take the claim to COURT??)
-Exactly WHAT does Madden report anyway? What news does HE break?
-Oh, he had news on the Canadian Brother... former Football player for the CFL. I STILL say he was shipped in from Motown... made to sit in the BACK of the Bus, mind you... rat jap Canadian backwards ass BIGOTS!!!
-We see how Booker T survived a knee injury to keep the belt in a clean pin last night... so of COURSE Jarrett deserves a re-match.
-Why order ANY WCW PPV anymore? They just have all the matches again on the next night?
-Hudson points out that Jarrett has had a LOT of shots already... and every time he WINS the friggin' thing, he drops it a week or so later.
-Booker was out. If one more Brother comes out... the crowd is going to crap their pants and start throwing their wallets in the ring.
-Tony, "These two men are the embodiment of what Vince Russo meant by the New Blood in WCW!" (Yes, a Redneck Hick and a WWF knock off... Russo has a dream... Russo has an AWESOME dream!)
-After some high falutin' Old School Action (I capitalized the words to emphasis just how "special" it was... you should have seen it)... Booker wrapped Jarrett around with a Sleeper Hold. Jarrett raised up his boot and crotched him. (ugh... jealous whitey)
-Madden said that NO ONE HAD EVER USED THAT CROTCH KICK TO GET OUT OF A SLEEPER HOLD BEFORE!! JARRETT INVENTED THE COUNTER!! (Hey Mark, I MAKE YOUR MOTHER GIVE HEAD TO MY LONG, BROWN POOP SPEARS!!!! SHE LOVES IT!!! SHE SAYS IT TASTES LIKE YOU!!)
-Jarrett goes for a kneelift off the ropes... Booker rolls with it and rolls him up. Nice move.
-Tony sez Jarrett is up for the latest "shoot" interview on Thunder. Feel free to kick in your TV screens if he sums up Vince McMahon by saying, "Right place, right time, right wallet".
-It ain't a shoot unless he A: Bitches about being forced to work right after Owen fell and B: Putting over that Amazon Cow.
-Jarrett goes for the Flying Cross Body Block from the Top Rope (I RULE). Booker rolls with the momentum and tries a pin.
-Reverse Chinlock for 4 minutes. Make that 15 minutes and you've got every 80's NWA match... EVER
-Jarrett produces a guitar... Booker evades it and goes for the Bookend... Jarrett blocked that.
-Booker with the Side Kick.. then picks up the guitar. Madden accuses him of stealing it. (WHY HASN'T THIS GUY BEEN LYNCHED YET??? WHERE IS AL SHARPTON????)
-The Ref ends up hit with the guitar.
-Another Ref runs in to try to count a Booker pin attempt.
-Scissor Kick. Followed by a "Spinerooni" (Pop Quiz: Which fat slob yelled the name three times? A: Yo Moms? B: My Moms? C: Madden's Mom? D: Madden?)
-Spinerooni... allow me to correct a statement from last week... instead of "What Douchebag inspired this?" I SHOULD have said, "What Douchebag's (probably lovely and charming) WIFE inspired this?" Thank you.
-Booker went for another side kick.. and hyper extended his knee.
-Jarrett gave him the Stroke (If you're in the game, then THIS is the word)
-Jarrett tried to pin... then Goldberg ran out and attacked Jarrett. He threw him WELL into the seats, then picked up the mic and told Russo, "one down, two to go". Then informed Russo that he better watch his ass because he's next... (that's ONE... who is the OTHER victim? Why am I convinced it's Richard Simmons? Why does that give me a raging hardon?)
-commercials
-footage of what just happened
-Steiner had something to say... who the Hell knows what... how can you pay attention to him while he was wearing a... a.. an Egyptian head wrap?
-Whatever you do, do NOT touch Steiner's tears... or else you'll fall hopelessly in love with him and UNLIKE a certain Federation Captain with a bad wig and a girdle... YOU don't have a Star Ship that you love even MORE!!
-lame... I know... best I can come up with.
-Carl Ouilette comes out with his newly awarded Hardcore title. Tony said that Russo had a FAST response to whatever Steiner just said... (if this was REALLY a shoot, Russo's ONLY possible response would be, "What's up with that head wrap, Bitch? You ain't the Homo Queen of Sheba!!!")
-Norman Smiley comes out. He makes it clear (well, Tony does) that he does NOT want a Hardcore title shot. So, why doesn't he just lie down?)
-apparently, THIS week Smiley is the "skilled, technical Wrestling Professor"... NEXT week, he'll be the "fun loving, slapstick comedy Hardcore Master"
-eh.. who cares? Let's instead FINALLY get around to describing the POPCORN TRICK!!!
-Yes, I got this off Stern... which means SOME of you probably got it off Mancow, Opie and Anthony, or some other douchebag a few days later
-A: Take your date to a movie... HER choice.
-B: Buy a large tub of Popcorn. EXTRA butter.
-C: Sodas are optional
-D: Find a seat in the back.
-E: Wait until the lights go down for a while
-F: Reach in under the Popcorn tub with a knife, a pen, or even your car keys and puncture a nice hole on the bottom.
-G: Place Tub on your lap
-H: Lift Tub a little and unzip.
-I: Obviously, do NOT wear underwear
-J: Fiddle with your thing a little... prime the pump.
-K: Insert into that hole.
-L: Move tub around periodically to keep the blood pumping. The anticipation every time she reaches in should help too.
-M: Try paying attention to the movie. Make it a challenge
-N: Start shoveling in the popcorn to kill it before she gets full.
-O: Eventually... she reaches in and ... hello there
-P: Remove tub... bend her over the front seat, bang the crap out of her. The butter makes everything nice and smooth for a little anal.
-Q: Go home happy.
-God Bless America
-Oh, since Smiley HARDLY qualifies as a brother... the audience didn't freak.
-Ouilette went for his Big Senton Bomb... The Ref yanked Norman off the table that was arranged... Ouilette went throught table. Norman won the Hardcore belt. Norman didn't want it. Norman was PISSED. He took it anyway.
-Miller was backstage, and was happy to get one Canuck beaten... now he wondered who he can use to beat the Brother.
-Enter Kwee Wee (oh NO!!)
-commercials
-Kevin Nash has no clue why he's fighting Scott Steiner AGAIN tonight after he already BEAT the guy LAST night... and why the hell does he have to oput up his title shot? And why the HELL is HE winning his match at a show called "New Blood Rising"?
-Nash said he'll do it, but only if he gets Scott Hall back AND Booker T in a match AND a full contract relase AND a lifetime supply of Gray-Out AND... no, that'll do it.
-The Filthy Animals come out.
-Tony takes us to footage from New Blood Rising, featuring Nash hosting a round table discussion with Booker, DINF, Scott Steiner, and Sting... Nice going Tony. Real professional.
-Do you people realize that after 5 YEARS OF NITRO... they STILL haven't ironed out all the kinks?
-Sting doesn't even look happy on VH-1... he's SUCH a miserable bastard
-Konan had something to say... it involved Richard Gere and gerbils. They will get in SO much trouble, sooner or later. That's SLANDER
-Kronic came out, and took a seat with the Announcers. Brian Adams, ever the WIT, compared the Filthy Animals to a pack of "Chihuahuas getting circled by Pit Bulls".. I bet he PRACTICED that line.
-Adams said that the Harris boys are the only reason why they ain't WCW champs... and the Harris Boys KNOW that Kronic is the hottest thing in pro wrestling because the fans KNOW that when they come out, someone's getting "their BUTTS kicked" (it's almost ten... NOW they use clean words?)
-I hear Kronic are being locker room prima donnas... how DARE they!!!
-Muta and Vampiro come out. Kronic call Konan one ugly mutha. (they do have a point)
-SUDDENLY... The Harris Boys run out and attack Kronic. The Announcers are off mic. I bet Madden is the first one to get back on.
-I was wrong, it was Konan... nuts.
-Madden talked next... two douchebags. If the remaining few watchers at home didn't switch over to RAW, they NEVER will.
-By the way, Juvee didn't say anything. There are no Jews in Canada, obviously.
-Konan is such a DICK... GOD!!!
-Muta and Vampiro work on Rey Rey
-Vampiro goddam THROWS Rey across the ring with a Powerbomb.
-Juvee cleans house. Konan screams, "DA JEWS IS LOOSE!!" (Dear God... LOCK YOUR DOORS, PEOPLE!!!!)
-Vamp & Mut are KICKING ASS!!!
-Then Sting ran out with a bat. Guess what he did.
-After he did what you probably correctly guessed, he ran BACK out... the other way.
-The Filthy Animals won the tag belts. Why?
-commercials
-In Miller's office, the Demon was ANGRY... (who gives a Rat F)... he DEMANDS a Four Corners match against Sting... 3 on 1. Miller gave it to him. How the HECK can Sting phone in a performance against THESE guys?
-Our new cruiserweight champ, "Flix Skipper"... (*spittake*) came out
-Kwee Wee came out.
-I would just like to say that this... Flix Skipper looks... odd... as iff he had a Midget for a Daddy. His head is HUGE.
-Madden said that his big announcement about Okerlund is coming... and that he was a ratings "whore"... and that people "care about him". Well, we care about him dying.
-Flix won. Kwee Wee represents everything bad about Wrestling in the 80's-early 90's
-Sting is backstage, walking. Goldberg is seen standing behind him
-commercials
-Sting came out. SMILE DAMMIT!!!!!!!
-Muta, the Demon, and Vampiro came out. Demon and Sting started to fight.
-Madden challenged Okerlund to a Thunder match. Thank GOD. I thought for SURE I'd have to watch it.
-Vamp and Muta hit the ring and doubleteamed Sting. Demon was down.
-Sting fought back because HE'S A FIGHTER!!!! HE FIGHTS FOR THE LITTLE STINGER IN ALL OF US!!!
-Sting: The Only TRUE hero for small phallics everywhere
-Sting had Vampiro in the Sharpshooter (screw it, we're in Canada). Muta grabbed a Kendo stick. The Demon blocked him and said HE wanted to hit Sting. Muta allowed him. Muta was hit. Vampiro tapped. The Demon turned face again. Who, someone tell me WHO... is under the impression that this Loser can get OVER???
-Vampiro and Muta recover and clean house.
-commercials
-Backstage, Vampiro and Muta attack Sting again. Demon runs out to help. The BEST part of this was watching the fat guy in the corner sleep through all this. That's Nitro for you. Puts you out like a BABY!!
-Kevin Nash comes out. Hudson assures us that the fat guy was NOT sleeping, instead, he was BRUTALLY attacked!!! (Then why was he SNORING???)
-Nash had something with him. I smell a bit of COMEDY!!!
-He has a mic. As is the norm, we can expect either a "You Knowww", a "First off", OR... if the Gods are TRULY smiling... a "Let me tell you something..."
-He told crowd that Big Sexy was in the house (well, that DOESN'T COUNT!!!!)
-"You know, I can't help but see that there's a lot of Scott Hall signs out here" BOOYA!!!!! I RULE THE UNIVERSE!!!
-Nash says that WCW has deemed Scott Hall as "too dangerous for Live TV" (yeah... he actually has the nerve to sell his moves, job out when asked, and work the crowd. BLACKBALL HIM!!!!)
-He says that since everyone always asks him what Scott's up to...he thought he would interview him. Then he opened that item he had. It was a Scott Hall life size Stand-ee
-He asked the Stand-ee if he has anything to say... we hear a "Hey Yo"
-Turns out, his Mic has a button that plays "Hey Yo" when depressed. Madden laughed.
-He points out that the Stand-ee was wearing an NWO shirt, and that the NWO died a few years back (it DID??? WAS I SLEEPING???)
-Then he did a survey and asked Canada if they wanted Scott Hall back and also asked if they want the people who DON'T want Hall back to kiss his ass. Each time, the crowd answered affirmatively.
-meanwhile, the Announcers were praising themselves on how Nitro is live EVERY WEEK while that WWF crap is pre-taped WEEKS in advance. (F-It, they lie about everything else)
-Then Nash called out Booker.
-Booker came out.
-Steiner was behind him, and Steiner had a pipe. Down went Booker
-Steiner was STILL wearing that Egyptian headdress.
-Nash jumped down. Steiner gave him a pipe whack too.
-Then Goldberg came on the TurnerTron... he had Steiner's Big Lip Chum Pie with him ("Chum Pie"?).
-GB said that "any bitch that's been with Steiner ain't no lady" (Surgically inflating your lips doesn't help either)
-GB lifted her up for the Jackhammer. He snarls at Steiner
-The screen goes blank. Steiner's brain registers that the camera on them was off and ordered his body to move (quite a sight, actually... watching those synapses fire away)
-Nash attends to Booker
-Backstage, Steiner finds his Girl on a broken table. He stands up, yells for Goldberg. calls him a son of a bitch, ADJUSTS HIS HEADDRESS OUT OF HIS EYES (what a DOPE)... and goes looking for him.
The show ends.
It was an interesting sho... no it wasn't. It sucked.
No it didn't. It was Nitro. take that for whatever you deem it's worth.
I'm... intriqued as to how far Russo's going to take the "shoot" angle. It WAS sort of original. Really, it is.
Raw was... Raw. No better, no worse than usual.
Nitro wins. Why? Because "HYATTE IS MY FATHER". That's why. It's always been the rule.
Closer time.
Okay, so here is the FIRST EVER COMPLETELY DELETED BY SCOOPS CLOSER. You will see that it's not all that bad NOW... but back then...
See, in 1998, there was no WCWLive. Bob didn't GO to every Nitro. In fact, that was the year he told ScoopThis that "The last time I checked my mailbox, there was no WCW paycheck in it"... or something like that. He could get away with trying to be legitimate and objective.
Of course, we all knew better... or at least I did.
So I ran this Closer. Remy edited out after Bob raised a fuss. The question now is... will he raise a fuss AGAIN? Doubtful. Unless I attach his phone number in here.. heh.
I won't. I don't think I even HAVE the number anymore. Besides, why cause Ashish and Widro any grief? They let me post these columns ON MY OWN... no proofreading. hell, not even Trey Conway did THAT.
The time: December 1998... before Russo, before Sullivan... Bischoff was still in charge... before "The Rock"... Flair had just gotten back from his WCW "exile". Bob was "Mr. Objectivity" and had already written his famous "RAW IS PORN" tirade a week or so earlier. Now, RAW, which was still running taped shows every other week, had the evil Undertaker hoist Steve Austin up on that silly "Symbol". Enjoy, and send a little "F-You" to Artiega for over reacting to such piffle.
Okay. let me get this straight....Bob Ryder HEARS about an angle on RAW where Austin gets
crucified and calls it the most disgusting act that Satan McMahon has ever perpetrated. He never saw it of course..but he HEARD of it. He calls it outrageous, intolerable, blasphemous, insensitive, and wails about the children...WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN DAMMIT?????
Then the show comes on....it’s nowhere near as lude or controversial as it was pumped up as.
Austin was practically standing on a board as he was lifted up...and it wasn’t even a cross..it was the symbol for the Artist Formally Known as Prince.....
By the way...I truly doubt that when Jesus was being hoisted up there...he didn’t look at the crowd and scream, "I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS MOTHER F***ERS!!!"...but since I wasn’t there....he may very well have.
Anyway...Ralphus finally SAW the show...he knew DAMN well that it was nowhere near as bad as he assumed it would be.....but instead of coming online and saying.. "Thank Goodness it wasn’t that bad"...he decided that he had too much pride and said..."IT WAS EVERY BIT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WAS!!!! HOW DARE VINCE MCMAHON DRAG US INTO THE SEWER LIKE THIS!!!!! I BEG ALL OF YOU TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO MCMAHON AND TUNE TO NITRO!!!! EVERY MONDAY!!!! AND NOT BECAUSE I PLAY A SMALL ROLE IN IT EITHER!!!!
Hey..it’s his opinion and he is welcome to it..no problems there.
But then he says he isn’t biased
He is the guy Bischoff goes to for an Internet chat
But he isn’t biased
He gets backstage on Nitro and had an exclusive 60 second interview with Flair on the night he
came back.
But he isn’t biased
He breaks the news that Hogan is set to retire before anyone...news that he could have only gotten through WCW.
But he isn’t biased
HE IS A PART OF THE WCW/NWO HOTLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But he isn’t biased.
Hey...cool...and you know what...I believe him too! Why shouldn’t I? You see...I have ALL of his "Notes from Bob" saved and on floppy disk. So in preparing for this closer, I thought I would go through each of them and offer definitive PROOF that Bob is NOT a Bischoff brown nosing, WCW barnacle who tries to pass himself off as an objective journalist/commentator! And believe me...I found a BOATLOAD of quotes taken DIRECTLY FROM BOB that proves my points and his....Bob is a FAIR AND IMPARTIAL WEBMASTER......and the following quotes will offer substantial proof....
-"Imagine what Bischoff could have done with Austin’s ‘Stone Cold’ gimmick"
-"I have never seen Scott Hall happier"
-"Piper is looking better than he has in 10 years"
-"Hogan was nothing before Bischoff came along."
-"This new Heel gimmick for McMahon will NEVER top Bischoff’s Heel gimmick"
-"It seems to me that Austin is acting more and more like Goldberg"
- "Maivia is ruining his career by staying with McMahon"
-"I think giving Mick Foley three different characters is a disaster waiting to happen."
- "British Bulldog’s jump to WCW was the smartest thing he has ever done."
- "Benoit should thank his lucky stars Bischoff is keeping him around"
- "I liked the rematch between Hogan and the Warrior"
- "The Disciple deserves a chance"
- "Horace earned his spot in WCW"
-"Vince wouldn’t know creativity even if it french kissed him"
- "Jim Ross could take lessons from Tony Schiavone"
- "Bobby Heenan’s wit has never been sharper"
- "The USA Network should be eliminated"
- "I see these ratings and I can’t help but weep"
-"I can't see Jericho making any sort of impact anywhere else but in WCW"
-"Isn't it time McMahon gave up of Hunter Helmsley?"
-"WCW doesn't need the Internet to thrive."
-"Whoever writes that WWF junk should be thrown off the planet"
-"I hope the rumors don't come true and Mick Foley embarrasses himself by trying to write a book."
-"One thing is for sure, Bischoff has his talent in line."
-"Booker T is a great wrestler, but he doesn't have what it takes to be in the main event."
- "I wish Ric Flair a speedy recovery from his heart attack."
See what I mean? Totally unbiased and a true professional...GOD BLESS RALPHU...I MEAN BOB RYDER!!!!!!!
Now was THAT so controversial?
WOW... the more things change... etc, etc, etc. AND, we see a little foreshadowing of my famous "Jesus" article that came out a year later.
Why am I on his case this week? No reason... I just felt like it. I'm impulsive. I tend to do or say stuff as it comes to my head... then the next day, I wake up and say, "Well, that was pointless." Like going on the Oracles place and tearing up some doofus, or asking to get into the nTo. The next day, I was like.. "why even bother?" Besides, I like talking about people to their faces.
That about does it for me. Another week in the can. Next week, I'll do some more stuff. Bust some balls, make a joke or two. Sell the shit out of the latest AAT. I guess I'll go over these "OWEN" Awards that hasn't exactly lit the Net on fire like those ScoopThis awards did. Well, Scaia talked about them, but that hardly means much. I'll go over them and let you decide whether they mean anything.
Hey, RED RUM RULES!!!
Hey, SHAYNE IS GOD!!!!!
and of course... EDGECRUSHER GIVES G PAC BUTT LOVE
I downloaded "The Plant" yesterday, and DID NOT PAY FOR IT.
King has millions... F-him. I think he owes the READERS something after keeping his family in an obscenely wealthy lifestyle for the last 20 years.
I leave you with this classic saying... that still remains as true as ever:
"When you're sliding into first, and you're feeling something burst... diarrhea... pffft pffft... diarrhea"
Alas... wisdom, people... wisdom
Okay. I gotta go score some smack... that "tribute" I gave Gagnon last week left me jonesing all week long. It's all cool.. I got it under control. It's handled... it's handled
This is Hyatte
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